Every time someone asks me about my greatest fear I always get a stunned, crazy look in disbelief when I respond. Everything thinks I’m insane and that’s it’s a completely crazy fear, but its always been in the back of my mind, since my very first psychology class in college. It’s kind of twisted and weird, but it’s completely true.
I am scared that my child is going to be a sociopath or a psychopath. I’m afraid to find out that my child is a serial killer. Sitting through all of those psychology classes made me wonder how horrible it must have been for the parents of all of those serial killers. It must be awful to realize that the child you gave birth to, cuddled, nursed and raised could do something like that. I cannot even imagine what that would feel like. Why wouldn’t you be afraid that something like that could happen to your baby – that they could just snap and go crazy one day?
Am I the only one who thinks about things like this? Is it just something that goes on in my weird, twisted little mind? Mr. P thinks I’m crazy (but we already knew that…) and that it’s kind of an irrational fear (and to some extents I agree).
But today I realized that this fear is a whole lot deeper than I ever knew.
Jacob and I had already had a rough and emotional day. I was ready for it to be over. I grabbed Jacob and headed outside to check the mail. Well along the way I lost my footing and started to fall. I have never been so scared in my life. I ended up falling on my knees to keep myself from tumbling to the ground and dropping Jacob on the concrete. He was completely fine and didn’t get hurt, but he was scared to death. He just screamed for a few minutes because he was so scared. I cried, he cried. We just cried together. It was awful. All of the what ifs just kept running through my mind. What if I hadn’t reacted so quickly and what if I hadn’t held on to him so tightly? All I could see what his little tiny body falling to the concrete and even the thought of it just made me sad.
I think it was then that I realized the thing that scares me the most is hurting him. Whether it be physically, emotionally or mentally. I am a firm believer that ones environment affects them more than their genetics. I don’t want to do something to cause him difficulty in his life (now or later in life). And I know that I would do absolutely anything to protect him from any pain or hurt in his life (hence the huge “love bump” on my knee from falling).
And I suppose that’s the root of my initial fear. I fear causing him any pain in his life and I fear hurting him. And that’s a pretty normal fear as far as I’m concerned. Who would ever want to hurt their child? They are the most amazing and wonderful gift you can ever receive.
Oh – and I never did check the mail.